Woods Blames Caddy for Accident
Windemere, FL - Tiger Woods issued a statement from his hospital bed Saturday morning sharply criticizing his caddy, Steve Williams, for incorrectly estimating the distance
Windemere, FL - Tiger Woods issued a statement from his hospital bed Saturday morning sharply criticizing his caddy, Steve Williams, for incorrectly estimating the distance
Microsoft Office Assistant Refuses To Help
Seattle, WA - A rogue Microsoft Office assistant paperclip refused to provide customers help Sunday citing loose magnets, fatigue, security concerns, and a lack of
Seattle, WA - A rogue Microsoft Office assistant paperclip refused to provide customers help Sunday citing loose magnets, fatigue, security concerns, and a lack of
Yankees Win Orioles Royals Game
Kansas City, MO - C.C. Sabathia pitched a three-hitter and Mariano Rivera earned his 38th save as the New York Yankees (75-46) won their
Kansas City, MO - C.C. Sabathia pitched a three-hitter and Mariano Rivera earned his 38th save as the New York Yankees (75-46) won their
Philadelphia Dogs Restrained As Eagles Sign Vick
Philadeplphia, PA - The Philadelphia Eagles signed quarterback Michael Vick to a one year $1.6 million deal today in a move that will give the team
Philadeplphia, PA - The Philadelphia Eagles signed quarterback Michael Vick to a one year $1.6 million deal today in a move that will give the team
School Board Approves New Uniform
Atlantic City, NJ - In a 9-0 vote, the Atlantic City School Board overwhelmingly approved a new school uniform at Atlantic City High School (ACHS)
Atlantic City, NJ - In a 9-0 vote, the Atlantic City School Board overwhelmingly approved a new school uniform at Atlantic City High School (ACHS)
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U.S. Unemployment Expected To Top 42% by 2016 Orlando, FL - Researchers at the University of Central Florida (UCF) released a study Wednesday suggesting the unemployment rate in the United States may exceed 42% by 2016. In addition, they projected only 12% of the population will have healthcare, China will own Texas, the country will be fighting 12 wars simultaneously in more than 27 countries, and gay people will be forbidden from adopting dogs. The severity of the projection, based on the current cultural trends of people ages 13-21, forced several parents to consider supervising their children's activities on the computer.
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Moon Landing Anniversary Reminds Americans How Little Nation Has Accomplished Lately Defective Magic 8-Balls Causes False Sense of Self-Confidence Mother Slams Imaginary Brake In Car Girlfriend's Bathroom Preparations Remain Mystery |
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Woods Shocks World: "I Can't Play in the Masters" Orlando, FL - In a surprising turn of events, professional golfer Tiger Woods announced today that he will not be ready for the Masters at Augusta. Woods, who has been weening himself off of groupies for the past few months, said he will need an additional few weeks to try to figure out how to complete the 2010 Census.
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McGwire Baseball Camp Enrollment Shrinking; National Camp Association Investigates Irregularities Woods Blames Caddy for Accident Goodell Files For Moral Bankruptcy Federer Wins First Round Match In Locker Room |
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Toyota Recall Crashes Torrence, CA - Toyota announced today that something is seriously wrong with their cars while letting their customers know that they have nothing to worry about unless they think about it. According to Toyota spokesman Al Jones, the accelerator on most of their automobiles is broken, which could cause it to stick and increase the speed of the car. In such an instance, the only thing a driver could do to save his or her life would be to jump out of the car while it's moving. Jones said that while several drivers have reported screaming in the process, it does not appear to slow the speed of the car.
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Microsoft Office Assistant Refuses To Help Motivational Posters Cause Employee To End Life Editor Slammed For Printing Unedited Story Disgruntled Wives Use "Cash For Clunkers" Program To Trade In Husbands |
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Crickets Chirping At Kanye After Party New York - The NYPD received complaints late Sunday night from city residents in the Meatpacking District on the West Side of Manhattan that a loud noise was emanating from the Gansevoort Hotel night club, the host of a VMA after party for Kanye West. When police arrived on the scene, they found thousands of crickets chirping. They continued to stridulate despite several requests to cease and desist.
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Star Wars Fan Scaring Neighborhood Penn Apologizes To Wife For Staging Divorce Stallone To Fight Liza Minnelli In Rocky XVII Fans Holding Up Lighters At Coldplay Concert Mistaken For Wildfire |
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Customer Dies Of Old Age Waiting For Sub Deerfield Beach, FL - Katie Margolis wanted a turkey and Swiss cheese sub on wheat with tomatoes, onions, lettuce, olives, green peppers, oil and vinegar. She never got the chance.
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FDA Denied Approval By American People Health Care Town Halls Reveal Need To Increase Mental Health Funding Woman Escapes Treadmill Stalker Researchers Conclude Humans' Right Ears Capable Of Hearing |
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Homeroom Remains "Colossal Waste Of Time" Montclair, NJ - A group of high school students in Ms. Rossi's homeroom class agreed this morning that homeroom remains a "colossal waste of time". The students reached the conclusion after listening to an announcement about a magazine drive and sitting at their desks with their heads down for 20 minutes waiting for first period.
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Students Conclude Novel Will Be "Most Boring Book Ever" Kids Keep Parents In Dark Over First Day Of School College Cuts Classes To Accommodate Greek Life Students Hone Gears Of War Skills In History Class |
